repenting in church

So how do I live on with guilt and shame of what has happened? Once again I have risked all. And why? Because I don't know how to speak honestly with people. I don't know how to communicate. I try to hold myself on a short leash always and then subconscious takes over and all becomes so bad. I don't know why.

How do I live on now with the possibility that I could have messed it all up without even knowing? 

How can I save myself? How can I make sure that I won't make a mistake anymore? I feel like I have lived for quiet a long time without making mistakes and suddenly I make it again, why? 

Why why why why why 

My head just repeats this word again and again. When I think about how much I risked and put to risk and even now still not now the result. 

I want to be a good person. I do have a plan for it. Keeping clean of sugar caffeine alcohol and marijuana. Trying to keep as much as possible a clean and healthy body. Try to focus on breath work and finding bliss in the solitary meditation, thinking up how to find resources to help myself live alone and strive and help other people on the way. I need something to always remind me of the day I messed up in order to not forget and fall back into the old habits. But what should this reminder be? We have to keep our mind clean. Yes, it is true and essential. Songs, commercials, videos or even porn, this all eats on our life energy and character.