Novel about water

 1 Even in the middle of nowhere thousand stories take place every second. I carry my body here and there and I don't feel like stopping. The talk is going on everywhere around me, where do all these words lead? I follow one sentence than another but they all seem to be saying what the other already knows. They keep talking, sharing, laughing and crying together. I'm in a café looking at the window with thousands of raindrops racing down on it. While hearts around me connect. I'm a stranger, almost invisible shadow, that keeps staring at you anytime you don't look. Not because I particulary wanted to look at you, it is just that you are the only life around in this cement jungle. 

 2 When one wakes up to a rainy morning The sky is still grey and good to the eye The pink light intensifies and the body stretches on the bed and feels better Moving from sleep into reality is smooth and calm because the quietness and dimness of the morning sky and human body feeling free of pain I cannot but be grateful for this blessing even though I feel my lungs heavy and struggling to get enough air I know that any word that I hear or say comes into function and everything is in constant flow of immense cosmic energy It comes into your body and it comes out again your muscles tense or relax some feelings arise but all is part of this one energy constantly flowing through you When you become aware of it, it is almost as if you could look into your own eyes or feel the fingertips of your hands touch air. It is a subtle yet intense feeling. Everything is in flow and your knowledge is grasping it, not naming anything, just being aware. And suddenly even a tshirt layed over a chair looks so prescious illuminated by the morning sunlight. And you hear the world around you arising from sleep into wakefullness and begining to get into movement. 

 3 If you are at home right now chances are that there are certain things around you that express who you are. Or maybe those things shaped you? It is a relationship. Sometimes I set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes and make a deal with myself to not touch the phone for this timespan. Than i just look what happens. It takes around 2 minutes of laying in bed before I get up and start to do something. If not anything else I try to at least change from my pyjamas. Another day came and it's time to be active. Goodbye for now warm and comfortable bed. But I will not leave the quietness in my room this time. Today the quietness will come with me into the tram and school. Today I will take quietness from the world of sleep into my day world of action. I walk past many people, they are all so alive so different and eye contact is forbidden. I get into class at school I sit on the chair amd moving is forbidden . As I listen to the lecture I feel my limbs becoming stiff, heavy like stones and the only living thing on my body seems to my abdomen my tummy moving up and down .. When the school ends I stumble upon a politican walking on the bridge towards the parlament. He was just voted in and he shakes my hand for a long time asking me for prayers for him. When I come back home I lay in bed again, it slowly gets dark again. I think about people around me and try to imagine what their life is all about. I think this is not a way to become close to anyone, you just surf on the surface of your thinking mind, trying to imagine the vision that is in front of their eyes. Why you don't see my real being they might think, why do you just see me as another problem. If only I wasn't this and that, you say, but have you ever seen what is behind those eyes and what about inside of them? Yes, the way to become close to others is to feel their being and you can do that only by feeling your own body first. 

 4 Another morning my body rises from sleep and takes a phone into its hands. I hear my mother shout something and I check my messages. Today is a little worse than the day before. I fell asleep feeling anxiety and so even all my dreams were full of it. As I woke up I still was inside of that story and didn't know how to get away from it. Do the people that say they've made it actually did? Or is it just that once you've made it there is this still one thing you need or that one thing that bothers you and needs to leave before you can feel satisfied? I feel like I fell down. I don't know why but it feels like waves of black water wash upon me. I want to find love I don't want to feel so grey. I just stop for a moment and just observe what is around me. The body is feeling hot in the bed, under the blanket, I'm sweating. I try to ask angels for help, develop the love for myself inside of my heart and than radiate it outside to other people. They will judge me anyway so why should I judge myself? This is how the life goes. I try to stay strong and do everything I have to. But how do I know what tomorrow brings? There's a truth in that angels are with us. They must be.... I wake up and focus my feet on the ground. I focus my hands as I pull down the cord of the blinds. How can I really live in mindfulness if I have what is called attention deficit disorder? Is it even real when all that comes into diagnosis is a story from the past? I focus on my breath coming in and being born coming out and dying again and again without end always being born again every second. I want to make art that helps people, heals people, I thought to myself as I put on my clothes. I am getting ready to leave the home now.

 5 Yesterday didn't wirte anything

 6 When we call someone an idiot it's natural that he or she gets pissed off. Apart from being offensive it is not true. That person is not an idiot because many people can be idiots but none of them is the one and only idiot. This person doesn't equal idiot. More true would be: my mind interprets your behaviour at this present moment as idiotic. But before we would make the effort to utter all thesr words we would probably feel calm again. Between the things and using them is the filter of money. Nutritions is the filter between food and body becoming strong. I need to economize the money I use to eat food. I drink a coffee, I don't only pay for the coffee but also for this chair to sit on and a clean window to look out of, I pay for the lights in this café, for the noise the chattering of people around me produces. Well, who made this coffee? What hands picked it and what hands packed it, what kind of hands prepeared it? There are so many processes that lead to this cup and suddenly it's empty again and the coffee is doing it's thing in my brain. Money, money, money - people run for it like crazy but nobody knows where do the things we buy come from. From hands from all over the world, even the houses and cars around us were made this way. Hundreds and thousands of ships leaving China with materials everyday. Chemistry in all these thigs, different atomic structures that create this world around us, living in a city, the human hand is in everything! Another night falls on the city and on my brain. I try to read a book, constant noise around me filtres some of my attention. I hear a slight music and people speaking out their minds. Even when they leave here, the conversation goes on. Is it a conversation or a song on repeat?

  I walk on the bridge and there are almost no people there. Why? Well, the corona virus is still in the air so people don't travel as much. Coron - the crown. I walk in the park, it is so quiet and still, only colourful dry leaves fall on the path of sand. I focus on my breathing. I feel my lungs moving. The breath - something so natural and important. Once you focus your mind on your breath you can't really think, there is no capacity for the brain to both. The healthy lungs breathing feel like swimming in a lukewarm water. There is no pain. There is a moment of being filled with new cold air, like a flower in the rain, energy enters you. Then there is the moment of breathing out, a little death, the air is leaving you. If corona virus eats half of your lungs, how will breathing feel. We killed our trees and the earth struggles to breath. We think so much we forget to breathe. Is this the reason for corona coming from the sky. A golden crown being set on the beautiful head of our mother earth?

 7 I'm so alone and back in the cafe again. Everyone around me is speaking english and the body feels so tired. Blood is flowi into legs as they become hot and heavy. I feel myself breathing. I sold all my comicbooks from childhood for 1200 crowns. As the comic books moved under the hands of the lady buying them from me I saw the love my mother gave to me when I was a child. It was love represented by humanoid animals smiling from the colourful pictures. Just a few hours later the money is already changed into coffee again. Is this love for myself too? Or just some hesitation to come back home. My heart is an empty abbys that keeps eating, the world is flowing on without me, the gravitational pull of it makes me unable to speak, no more words come out. I hear my heart beat in a rythm of the sound of footsteps in snow and I panick that my blood is pumped into veins with such force. Maybe the school convinced me my heart is just a blood pump so that I forget about love and focus on the subject. A ball of light is laying on the teaspoon. I try to lift it towards me but it disappears. Truly when a bug is running on the floor you can see it in your consciousness. The moment it disappears it leaves the human world again until the day some other human sees it. Until the momemt it surfaces into another persons vision. 

 8 I sold more comic books. Changed matter into money and right after that I started to change money into food and coffee. I ate a cheese toast with black tea, later I bought another baguette with cheese and coffee. I am so sorry for the cow that was impregnated against her will and was sucked life out of her. I changed money into that, well that's what happened. My body needed to eat. Then I felt like I need another medication to change the effect of the medication before. I felt so tired I couldn't get back home and I bought orange juice from the vending machine in order to neutralize the effects of the coffee on empty stomach. I felt even more tired, couldn't get back home and didn't even want to but everywhere i was I was falling asleep and feeling sick. I knew I need to write a thesis for school but it was too difficult to find any necessary information. Money, some things have great value for us but cost little money, some things are in fact bad but cost a lot of money as if they were good. The result of that is people invest their time and life energy in order to buy things that cost much more than they should and that have used immoral methods in order to be created and sold.

 9 I went to the café again and spent loads of money on a piece of cake and coffee. Human being takes rough material into hands and humanizes it with the help of knowledge and creativity. This creative process is than evaluated by money. Almost any job is in a way a creative process. However not every creation is bound to be used and cherished forever. We all know it from our surroundings, our planet is close to drowning in trash. The worth of the material used and work put into the thing created determines the price. But we all know situations from our lives when something very dear to us was rated as a relatively cheap thing or on the other hand a thing that wasn't created in a fair way was being sold for a great amount of money. (for example the people that put their physical energy and time into creating it weren't paid enough or the material used aren't really healthy/radiant/natural) Seeing the reality of this we see that every object created, every bussiness agreed on is creating a way for people leading to this or that kind of society. Putting something more into the things we buy or create means to create a kind of culture and life for ourselves. Our energies and values get mirrores into them. We have a unique chance to create things that make us feel happy and whole, we only need to always keep this in mind. 

 10 On the bus station of the outskirts of the city. People wait. They are wearing mundane clothes and speak in a quiet voice. Some walk in pairs or groups. Most are alone with their phones. And the sky, above their heads so quiet. And the fields with few tall buildings on it. Like statues of forgotten ancient Gods. And all the windows reflect the sunset. Yellow, red and white t-shirts hanged on the balconies. Old chairs with scars on it behind the metal bars of the balconies. Shining in the sunset like sea water. The sky, with the warm blooming golden sun. Speaking to everyone. Shining into all the hearts. And even if you turned blind, you could still, prehaps feel it's touch on your skin. The quiet, magnificent, endless sky. Everyday I try to be with her, love her, caress her.

 11 Nowadays sex is everywhere. In the commercials and movies and on our phone screens. And it is something that brings us into the present moment and makes us feel our bodies without thinkig at all or giving much energy to thought. But the old age is hidden and the most wise of us are closed off in dark rooms for one. I say: something so basic as breathing was forgotten. I say it out loud as I walk in the streets. I focus myself on it and feel my child self in the air that comes in. Through left nostril througu right nostril, do you know through which one you breathe. I say my father is breathing, and my friends too. When I miss them I just breathe and I know they are somewhere breathing too. The most inner proces, life. Our socirty made a cult of life and sex and got scares of by old age and death. But the older you are the more intense the life is in you. And the less you can do the more your life energy shines through your eyes. And the breathig should be on front pages. The most fundamental sinal, door to the outside and to the inside at the same time. Same like sex it turns of the time and keeps going in and out. Taking what is needed, giving out what is not necessary. Life smooth and well. Life like water in flow. 

 12 We believed that the symbol of human adcancement is the fact that middle class can have as many nice things as the upper class. When I get to the outskirts I see lines of shops with cheap clothes and watches. Everybody wants to buy it. And doesn't want it the next year. 

 13 Whatever you notice you notice yourself in it. Let the thoughts become a reminder for you to notice the self. Gradualy they become lighter. Like a seagull flying over the shore. You dive under the waves and quietness envelopes your hurt heart to heal. Waves are feelings and thoughts, you are ocean

 14 When I chat with people online, we become friends so fast. During the same day we met we are already exchanging thoughts without words while staring into the dark ceiling from the bed. Without ever seeing each other bodies, subconsciously feeling for the subtle scent of the skin, without any akward silence we share our hearts. Without any silence, all is shared, love and fear and hopes, in silence. 

 15 Feeling tired in the middle of the city caused me aural hallucinations. I could hear the sounds in my head as if they were actually happening outside. I went to the library. Huge empty space filled with quietness and light. Is it really quiet? I've heard more and more. I saw that everything I see I see through me. In a way everything I see is me. Sounds became more intense and I felt my body just standing there, looking. Fliping a page sounded like waves of the ocean. When a pen fall it was like shooting from a gun. Than I closed my eyes. The lights over me were bright and warm. I was like a lizard under it's lamp in an aquarium or a man falling asleep in the desert with the sun setting. I was in a other space. In my mind, in a dream becoming more and more real. My body got heavier and heavier warmer and warmer and at the same time it felt like something in me is floating up and slowly flying away. Than I heard somebody approahing me and the wind he created with his brisk way of walking made it seem like a storm. "We don't sleep here, we sleep at home" the guard of the library said in a strict word. It was as if those words came from the sky in the desert. 

 16 Make a line between dreams and reality. Sometimes I imagine I am already traveling. And doing some gigs in diffetent countries. Playing and painting. But all this are dreams. Reality is prehaps more complex and difficult. See how to actually make it reality. But do it through reality, not dreams. The power you put into dreams is free to leave your body through your legs into the ground. Your body will stop shaking and new energy will come through the head (hrad) from the sky. And never forget that anything you ever did had this atmosphere of a dream even though it was in reality, because it had been seen through you.

 17 We can't afford it I enter the Conference hall of czech academia of sciences. a golden chandelier and paintings. Lots of money invested. Meanwhile others die of thirst and hunger. There is enough money. It's just that there is a lot in one place and less in another. In the morning I saw a video on how sugar is made in India. Is it the sugar that I eat? Indian women and men come into the field at 3 in the morning and begin to work. They cut the sugar canes with large machettes. If we could see the way into creation of every product we buy we would understand it's price better. We would see some products are cheap but cost a lot of pain and waste. We could see some products are much more expensive than what their actual value is. And we could see some other things that are of great value but cost almost nothing. There was a time when some people could afford luxury and others not. Now we approach times when nobody can actually afford the way of living we pursue anymore. But it will take time to show that humanity actually never could afford what it took. 

 18. Imagine if it really is with the virus the way they write in the news. You don't feel bad but the virus comes from your breath. It enters you and you make your friends sick by talking to them. A scary story. A reality. But I always come back into my feelings and my body. The immense energy that keeps being alive in every cell and manifests on my will. I walk from one house to another in the city of Prague overwhelmed with feelings. Lights, sound, voices. What are you feeling?